I'm still talking today about yelling at the children, and interviewing the psychologist Mónica Serrano About the emotional aspects of this everyday reality that families live like last week I spoke with the biologist Irene García Perulero about the purely biological aspects.
However I want to start with a reflection person that I invite you to perform. You how do you feel when someone you love or who has power over you yells at you?
My feeling is of helplessness, heartbreak and rage, which can be contained or explode. But I am an adult and I can even understand that this other person is acting badly, has no control over herself, is overwhelmed. But I understand because I'm an adult. A child cannot.
However, if that person usually acts shouting at me when there is a conflict between us, I will recognize that he has a pattern of violent communication, that he aggravates me and possibly tries to break the relationship if it is possible for me or, if it is not, at least get away and put space between us to avoid having to defend myself or get angry.
If I can and that person is very important to me, I would help her improve and not be violent in her words, but I will do it from my adult conscience formed and capable of setting limits to others, or, at least, of knowing what limits I I deny that others exceed me.
I also want to invite you to try to remember how you felt when you were little children and your parents or teachers yelled at you. . The feeling I remember was scary.
Yes, it was fear, fear of being attacked (even if they had never hit me), a diffuse fear of not being loved, awareness of incapacity and guilt, helplessness, sadness, injustice and anger that I could not always express but was maintained and could be downloaded else.
Well, let's talk to the psychologist Mónica Serrano who will help us understand all this.
Can we call violence screaming?
Based on the WHO definition, which indicates that violence is the deliberate use of physical force or power, whether in threat or effective, against oneself, another person or a group or community, that causes or has Very likely to cause injury, death, psychological damage, developmental disorders or deprivation, screaming is considered violent depending on the intention of the parents when they scream.
Do we scream to dominate the child?
In my opinion, we use the scream to frighten, activate fear in children and, from that emotion, achieve our goal (that they are still, that they eat, that they sleep, that they dress, etc.). By this I mean that the scream is violent, but not that all the parents who scream are violent. I am referring to the act, not judging the person.
Is it really true, as some people say, that leaves no trace?
The screams leave their mark. But it would be necessary to assess whether they are repeated or a specific explosion in a specific situation. If the screams are used as a common tool in the dynamics of communication with the children, we will be raising insecure, obedient people, without their own criteria and without the ability to defend themselves. When a child internalizes that the shout is an acceptable form of communication, he is exposed to tolerate this type of interaction by any person and to use it himself at later ages.
But, Monica, we all shout sometime.
We all shout sometime. The key is to be able to recognize before our children that we have no right to do so, that they should not allow it, that we have made a mistake, ask for forgiveness and commit ourselves to try not to repeat it.
What emotional damage does it cause to children?
Emotionally, screams negatively affect the child's self-worth and self-esteem. They also have an impact on their sense of security, as it creates a lot of insecurity. Children who are usually shouted at can develop learned helplessness, defined as the individual's sense of helplessness in the face of events, which leads to passivity. The child who receives constant screams learns that he is not able to transform his circumstances to achieve well-being, since aggressive interaction through the scream does not offer him options for action. The scream scares, paralyzes. This sense of helplessness leads to demotivation, poor self-control and much emotional distress.
How can we improve parents and control them better?
To better manage the situations that incite us to shout regularly, it is important in the first place that we become aware that we do not want to shout at our children, because they deserve to be respected. Secondly, it is important that we commit ourselves to try to stop.
Can you give us some practical advice to stop screaming?
There are various techniques that help prevent screaming. In my opinion, relaxation and reducing stress in general is very effective. The analysis of how they raised us and what communication dynamics were established is essential to understand the origin of the impulse to shout at our children. We will probably have to look for new, non-aggressive references. These models will help us generate respectful conflict management strategies. These models are people that we like how they manage conflicts and that we can learn from them positive tools to apply with our children.
It seems quite obvious that shout at the children it hurts them emotionally and psychologically, so we have a great reason to stop, protect them.
