My wife told me yesterday that many days she has very difficult with children to do anything because of course, once she is away from home, on the street, she must enter with the three wherever she is. If you happen to be in a clothing store by chance and you want to try something, you have to take all three to the tester and "sometimes we do not fit!", which is no longer just a matter of fitting or not, is that they also move the curtain and history becomes impossible.
It has also happened to him ever wanting to go to the sink, she alone with all three. What do you do in your situation? Well, or you hold on until you get home or you put them in the sink and you do it with the door ajar, at the risk of deciding to enter and exit and re-enter and exit, and men have it easy, but women do not so much.
In situations like this, and in others that I will tell you now, some people prefer to do things quickly but well and leave the child a moment with an adult that inspires confidence, in the case of the sink with a woman who is also waiting in plan "are you watching me a moment?" and in the case of the clothing store with the saleswoman, something like "do you look at them for a moment that I try it at full speed?". It may seem a harmless and totally safe gesture. It may seem normal to do something like that, but it's a mistake. It is because we should never leave our son with a stranger, even if we know that nothing will happen to him (and now I will tell you why).
Would you leave your daughter alone at the movies?
A couple of days ago I read a post from a mom in her blog Mother there is only 1 in which he explained that Malefice and her 3-year-old daughter had gone to see Maleficent and that the girl was liking her so much, she was so absorbed that she decided to go shopping for more drinks, leaving her in charge of a mother next to her. She explains it like this:
She remained silent all the time. Very attentive. Moreover, we ran out of the coke we shared and told him that if he was left alone for a moment he was going to buy another. And he ran out of trouble. I told the mother who was next to me to take a look just in case. Nothing, nor find out.
The gesture caught my attention because I as a father would not. I thought that the problem was mine, maybe it could be more protective (or overprotective) than normal. Let's say I had the feeling that there was no danger in it, but that for some reason I should not do it, that I would not have done the same.
Is it dangerous to leave children when you know that nothing will happen?
What could happen to the girl? Any. It is in a cinema, there are tens or hundreds of people, there is only one way out and you are going to buy a drink with which you will return immediately to your armchair. Absolutely nothing can happen. What can happen to some children if you leave them a moment with the shop assistant while you try something on? Any, absolutely nothing. The saleswoman is not going to run with them down the street or just then a kidnapper will take them to the store to take them away. What can happen to some children if you leave them for a moment in charge of the lady who wants to go to the sink behind you? Well nothing either, the woman is only interested in emptying her bladder and by deference she watches over you, but she will not take them away or do anything to them while you empty yours for a few seconds behind a door that doesn't even have a lock. No, the question is not that. It is not dangerous, or it is not in 99.9% of the occasions, that you can always find some crazy person.
So how to proceed?
Returning to the case of this mother, to drink and to the cinema, I see three possible options:
- You tell your child that the drink is over and that we will have to wait for the movie to end to go for more (some parents, like me, usually carry a bottle of water in the bag very useful in case of emergency).
- You tell your child that the drink is over and if he wants more and can't wait, you have to go shopping for drinks both, that you are going to miss a piece of the movie but if you go fast you will be back in the seats right away.
- You tell your child to wait a moment, that you are going to buy a drink and that you will be right back. You leave him alone and you tell the person next door to watch him for a moment.
Just in case it was a matter of mine and I am certainly a very protective person with my children. I raised this question on my Facebook wall. All fathers and mothers they chose the first or the second option. Some gave me other options like "not buying more sugary drinks" and things like that, and some mother chose the third option for having older children (over 7 years old).
I was reading his opinions when suddenly a light bulb appeared on my head, lit, of course, and then I knew what made me reject the last option. I repeat, I knew I was not in danger, even with 3 years of age, but in your situation I would never have done it. If you ask me before the lighting, I would say: "Well, because I don't know, I don't trust, it's that ... I don't know, she's only 3 years old," but after putting myself in the girl's place, I'd argue very differently.
The message we give our children as parents
A child can be alone in a room at home, because we are nearby and there are no strangers. A child can be alone in the park, playing with other children, because we know he is with children, not adults, and because we are there watching how he plays. But a child cannot be alone, nor should, with strange adults and without our vigilance, never.
Since they are little we tell them that they should not trust strangersDo not talk to strangers, do not accept anything they give them, do not trust them. It is a clear message that does not admit ambiguity. A message that should be so marked on them that we cannot make concessions. Not even one. What message do we give a child if we leave him, even for a minute, with an unknown person, as if it were normal to trust people we do not know? Children should be clear that they cannot stay, leave, or trust anyone they do not know.
We are able to make a quick judgment at a glance. We see the person, we see the situation, we know how long we are going to take and we are clear that there is no danger. And eye, that in the trials at first sight sometimes we are wrong ... put any program of events on television and you will see that the neighbors of the worst of the criminals always explain that "none of us expected it, it was a most kind boy and normal. " Well, what I'm going to. We are able to feel when there is risk and when there is no, but children are not. It is enough for them with a smile, with kind words and any gift to shake hands with a stranger. Watch this video we talked about a while ago and continue with the topic:
What do you think? Do you realize How little is needed to gain the confidence of a child? That's what I mean. We cannot generate doubt, we cannot let them understand (or believe they understand) that some strangers are trustworthy. We cannot because if they see it that way, they will have no problem leaving with anyone who knows how to cheat a child.
That's why if you are going to buy clothes you have to put in the tester with everyone, or give up and return another day with your partner or grandmother to stay with them in the meantime. That's why if you go to the sink you have to do it with the door open, always seeing them, or holding on until you get home. That's why if you go to the movies, no matter how much your daughter likes the movie, you have to wait for it to end or go running with her to buy another drink and that is why, a mother also said this on my wall, you cannot leave your son in the park in charge of another mother because you are going to buy water from the store next door.
It is not the risk of the moment, it is the message that our children get of it.
PS: I already left a message on your blog to the mother I am talking about to explain my feelings when reading your post. Obviously, I told him to do it as he considers best and that my words are only advice that he can freely take or reject, but I thought it was important to leave him the reflection. After all, we all want the best for our children.
Video | Youtube
Photos | Thinkstock On Babies and more | "The monsters of my house", documentary about child abuse, Child abuse in Spain: the damn figures, Be very careful: with whom do we leave our children?
