When a couple gives birth to a baby, their first baby, they consider him, exclusively, because there is none more. If time passes and decides to have another baby, a second child, the brother of the first, then begins to think what will happen, if they will love him just like the elder (to this we already responded in his day: love is not divided , multiplies), if the elder will accept the arrival of a brother and if he will begin to be jealous.
And of course, jealousy scares us, because jealous people are capable of doing terrible things, and then we think that our son is going to blame us for having had another baby and that he will even try to hurt him because he considers him a rival. If you are in that situation and you start wondering what can happen if you have another child, keep reading, because today we are going to give you tips to avoid jealousy between brothers, and these happen to be clear about one thing: you have to raise children to be happy.
It is not a magic recipe
Many times, when we talk about advice we make a list of things to consider, in a Decalogue plan or something like that: ten tips for this, six things to consider for the other, etc. Today I am not going to divide the subject in that way because it seems to me that the subject is deep and serious enough to section it that way. And I say this because today I want to guide the subject in another way, addressing it from the beginning, from the people we are and, consequently, from the how we treat our children, above all, at first.
The love they gave us, or not
What kind of person are we? Are we affectionate, empathic, accessible? Are we those who give hugs or those who run away from physical contact? Are we one of those who suffer when our child cries or who can leave him crying without affecting us? The person we are is, in large part, fruit of the affection that we receive from children or that we stop receiving.
Most people believe that we were well educated. Most of us say that "well, they didn't do this much to me, or they did the other thing to me, and I'm fine," because most of us don't get into the extremes of being tremendously mistreated or terribly abandoned and, more or less, we had Some love and righteousness from our parents and the result puts us where the majority is (which does not have to say that it is good).
However, in many cases it was surely not enough. Babies come to the world to be loved, held in arms, content, helped and spend a lot of time in the heat of their parents' bodies. It is an absolute dependence that requires that contact to achieve peace that allows them to forget their fears a little and be able to learn, develop and grow (a child concerned about their safety, a child who feels lonely and considers himself in danger , he spends too much time trying to guess if what he hears, what he sees and what he feels is dangerous or not.If he is busy in all that, he cannot move forward, or does it in a smaller proportion than another child not so worried about his loneliness ). Little by little, as they learn more and more things, they let go, they stop needing so many arms, both contact and begin to be increasingly autonomous.
Then the parents stop going in front of the children and start going to the side, to support them and help them when they require it. This stage is very long, and finally gives way to the point where the children are already more or less independent, capable, and very autonomous in their decisions, and the parents are only there behind just in case, in those moments when you have to they request them, if there is debate, talk, negotiation, etc. It may seem the easiest stage, but it is not so, because the child already has his own convictions and ideas, his peer group with his own convictions, ideas and challenges and the inner debate of each child grows between doing what is right, what he considers correct or, sometimes, what is not too good but would allow him to be part of his group of friends and be well considered (I think you know where I am going ... the hooligans that make you popular, to give a clear example ).
Well, this is a brief summary of what a more or less desirable relationship between parents and children would be. However, if we remember, I think that there are few who have had unlimited arms and affection in the first months, those who have had parents who will spend time with us, that will play, that will tell us many things, that will attend to our desires, that they explain things to us well, that they won't punish or hit us, etc. Obviously, perfect parents don't exist, and there are always moments of despair and times when we make mistakes, but in essence, in short, we are few who have received what we really needed.
But does a child know what he needs? Do not. A child does not have that notion of helplessness. He doesn't feel he can claim her because he doesn't know what parents should be like. A child simply feels. An unease, a strange sensation, a loneliness, an internal cold ... and seeks mechanisms to adapt. If my parents don't pay much attention to me, I'm looking for a way to survive. One possible way is to get your attention in other ways, even if they are often incorrect. If you misbehave, for example, get the attention of mom and dad, it will. If getting sick or hurting you also get it, you can get it (many children, sad and relatively alone, end up physically exposing their problems with tummy aches, headaches, etc.). If he disappears, he thinks he can do it, he will. And I don't mean to disappear physically, but to become a tremendously distant and uncommunicative child. Something like "I am not going to take the step, I will go away to see if you come closer to me."
Meanwhile, while doing that, he will perhaps look for alternatives: "Buy me, give me, I need." And many parents will fall into that trap of which they themselves are guilty, that of buy and give love. "Look how much I love you, that I bought you this so expensive." That will quench the thirst for time and love of the child for a while, until the novelty ceases to be and needs a new one.
However, the child will continue to learn to live without all the love that, as a human, he expected to receive. Little time with your parents, little or no play, little dialogue ... will begin to create an ice shell to become insensitive in that regard. Nobody wants to suffer. The children either. So in the absence of love, it is better not to need it. This, which many adults consider an achievement "I teach my son to be strong and hard, letting him cry, showing him that life is hard, to not need anything from anyone", deep down is a mistake, because the child comes to it from helplessness and loneliness, and it makes itself harder, less loving, less open. It encapsulates in a shell its longing for love, it encloses it, like someone who grabs a seed that was going to sprout to become a large tree and, fearful, prefers to keep it in a locked box to prevent the tree from growing, lest anyone water it Enough, lest someone mistreat you, lest anyone want to cut their branches. And trees, more or less, are able to sprout equally. There will be those who do not treat them well, there will be those who, as I say, cut a branch, there will be those who can; but the trunk remains there. The root, the essence, the affection that some attentive parents gave you, which remains at the base. If there was not, the tree is weak, the trunk dances too much and is too exposed. Many children do not dare to live like this and, directly, they save the seed before allowing the tree to grow.
What happens then? That the basis of everything, the love they should have received and should forge their way of being, their trunk, did not flourish. Everything was kept locked up, and of course, when you are older, just thinking about that little box that keeps that seed hurts. It hurts, as the reasons why the child decided to close that seed in the box hurt. It hurts, as it hurts to think about opening it, to see what happens. And to love children you have to do it. To give them love, you have to open that box, break that shell you created to learn to live alone, and it hurts. You remember the reasons, you remember your childhood, loneliness, lack of love, feeling inferior, believing that you had nothing important to do in this world and all this hurts, sometimes so much, that the heart accelerates, you travel without wanting to the past and you start feeling that discomfort inside you again. Suddenly, that adult person, made and right, is transformed back into a weak and fragile child and the fight begins: Do I stay here and try to plant this seed to raise my children or do I close the box again?
Many parents cannot with it. They can't bear to relive those feelings. They don't want to remember the love they lacked and they close the box again. They do what they can on a day-to-day basis, they try to love their children, because they know they love them, but they remain at that point of not being able to give all the love they need because, when you have not had it, when you have not You have received it, it is very difficult to give it. And when you have made yourself hard and cold like metal, it is difficult to convey something else.
And what does all this have to do with jealousy?
Much. All. It has to do with jealousy and it has to do, really, with how a son behaves with his brothers and with all the people around him. If it has to do with everything! A child who receives affection, who knows he is loved, who is cared for by his parents, who shares time with them, laughs, games, hugs, even discussions, which can also happen, a child who learns to think for himself, who does not He must be obedient because yes, but he grows and develops to be a unique and autonomous person, who has a great self-esteem, thanks to his parents treating him with love (and not thanks to the unfounded and excessive compliments, which are a mistake ), you will have very few problems in case a little brother comes any day. If I'm happy, why am I going to stop being because I have a brother? On the contrary: welcome to the ship!
However, if a child grows up as I have been commenting paragraphs, if he has that lack, if he feels alone, if he is beginning to look for mechanisms to support and adapt (to get sick, to call attention by misbehaving, to start asking gifts and excessive attention, the fact of becoming invisible), it will probably be very bad for another baby to arrive: "with what it is costing me that my parents pay attention to me, I have to compete with another one now!" He will take it badly and that will be the origin of jealousy, which will not be his fault, really, but of us, who have not known how to make you feel one more, dear, loved and happy. Add to that a beginning of armor, a beginning of learning life in solitude, a beginning of "I have to get need of nobody's love" and you will have an even bigger problem. A child who begins to disconnect emotionally and will not have too much trouble treating his brother badly if necessary or if he feels like it.
This is serious, very serious, and although it may sound apocalyptic, it is what most of us have been receiving most of our lives. How else can we explain that we live in such an imperfect world and that every day we are, in general, more and more selfish and less empathetic? Already, I know that not everything is here, that we are who we are for all the inputs we receive every day at home, at school, at work, on TV, and a great etcetera, but the root is there . The basis of everything, the first decision we should make as children: plant the seed or store it forever. That's where it all started. That's where, as parents, we must act.
Photos | Eduardo Merille, Travls Swan, Dana on Flickr
In Babies and more | Avoid jealousy between siblings: more than helping to care for the baby, who feels comfortable, What is educating in values and how is it done, Jealousy between siblings: recommendations
