Let them cry or not let them cry? This is the big question when you talk about your children. In the past, when talking about babies, it was common for them to tell you that it was advisable to let them cry: "so you will know that you cannot have everything in life", "so you learn to calm down alone", "so you learn to sleep without needing your parents "," so he does not get used to his arms "or" so his lungs widen, "they said.
For a while, this speech is changing and now the opposite is recommended, that let's not let them cry, that we assist them, that we help them calm down, that we give them containment, affection, peace ... so that they have a correct development and so that we get used to that kind of care, to attend them, to create that link that should be bidirectional, that the baby wants us to take care of him and that we want to take care of you (We do not talk about love, parents love their children, but many let them cry because they have been told that it is good, and a break is created between the demand for help and the parents' response that should not exist).
Now, when we talk about older children, what happens? Because older children also cry, but the usual thing then is to prevent them from doing so, censor them, tell them to stop crying. And what do I do? Well, what I've always done, go the opposite of the world, apparently, because I, as a father, do let my children cry.
Well, don't let them cry without doing anything for them ... I don't mean that. I speak of allow them to express their discomfort, his crying, his sadness, his problems. I do let them cry and show their feelings.
Babies should not be allowed to cry
In case there is any misunderstanding, let no one put their hands to their heads: babies should not be allowed to cry. With this I do not mean that something happens if they cry, because they are going to cry, it is their only way of communicating and asking for what they need. What I mean is that if a baby cries, you have to attend to him. Give him food, give him affection, change his diaper, see if we have sheltered him too much or too little, help him if something hurts or feels bad, etc. They expect you to attend to them and that is what needs to be done.
Many people let them cry because they feel or think that the baby controls them, manipulates them. Nothing is further from reality, babies are not able to manipulate their parents, because they are not able to think about their actions and their consequences. They only ask for what they think they need.
They do it because they are programmed to survive, and anything that makes them feel in danger, or any discomfort, will cause cry to solve that situation. And that's when we arrive to calm them, because the effects of crying are not really desirable.
That if you have to take a shower and the child cries, well look, that's what it is ... you go out, you dry, you do what you can and you take it "come, honey, I'm already with you". But if you can be for the baby and let him cry deliberately when you could attend to him then we have a problem, so I have commented before: the baby does not receive the attention he needs parents disconnect from their help calls.
Children must be allowed to cry
The usual thing in our society, at least until recently, is to say that babies have to be allowed to cry and that older children do not let them cry. This change is made based on the reasoning of children: when we already consider that they are capable of thinking, speaking, manipulating, doing and undoing, then their crying bothers us, because we consider that they are already old enough not to cry too much. Let's say it would be something like "crying as a child to grow fast and not cry later", as if the brain were a muscle that must be trained to quickly shape the character and be an autonomous, independent and mature enough person to learn The sooner that life is hard and that those who endure anything are the ones who will be victorious.
The problem is that children don't work that way. They need much more to become who we hope they are and that's why it makes no sense and is counterproductive abuse the "stop crying", "come, you have not done anything", "go, man, do not complain so much" or "as you keep crying I punish you", "if you keep complaining I do not buy it" and the "It has not been for so long."
These are phrases, all that try to placate the crying as soon as possible, the groans. It bothers us that a child who already knows how to speak cries, because we feel that it is weak compared to other children, or weak compared to the child we think it is, or should be. "Don't cry," we tell him one way or another. Do not cry, be strong, do not show weakness, do not show fissures, harden, make your heart stone, stop licking the scars and become a straight, rigid, brave and impenetrable person.
But being that way, having that character is not something that children have to do as children. A person transforms into that (or not) over time. And there are very few who really get it. In fact, it's probably not even positive for someone to become such a rocky being, because reaching that extreme can harm other facets of life: Where is the balance? Where love, love, romanticism? Where empathy? Can't it happen that such a strong person ends up not understanding the suffering of others?
There are few, as I say, those who come to that, because most only figure it. They act They hide. They make others believe they are, but inside They are full of fears and insecurities, full of pain and full of repressed anxiety, of poorly healed scars. A personality created with cards. A large house of cards covered with stone, which is what you see from the outside. A hard shell, difficult to cross, in which people shield themselves to keep their fragile existence in balance. And what happens when you are like that and you meet a person without such insecurities, of those capable of capturing the fears and darkness of your being just by looking at you? That puts you in check, makes you nervous and that, if you let him, if you allow him to talk, if you allow him to love you, if you let him get close, he can open that hard case. Something you really want to happen with all your soul, but that you fear with your whole being.
But be careful, someone who loves you or someone who wants to destroy you can do it. Either one. Because if someone who hates you manages to break your first barrier, everything will come to light, your true little one, the one who staggers and runs the risk of being seriously injured because forever, since you were little, someone told you that you could not cry , that you couldn't complain, that you should suffer in silence, that you just had to deal with your fears, your insecurities, your complexes and your doubts.
That ball that gets bigger, because of adults
Surely you have used this phrase more than once: "Let your feelings out, because if you don't express them, if you shut up, the ball will get bigger and bigger and there will come a time when it will be much worse, then you will explode." Well, that is precisely what we do with children, but vice versa, by telling them, since they were little, that what they have to do is the opposite, that they don't have to cry, that they don't have to complain and that what they feel, in reality , not well. That they don't have to be afraid and that, if they have it, they have to shut up. That they don't have to cry or be sad, and if they are, they have to shut up. And so we have been creating children for generations with their "balls" full of anxiety, torments, fears and sadness, all unresolved problems that inhabit inside. Problems that actually make them weak, when the idea was precisely the opposite.
Weak. Adults are weak. We are because we do not tolerate the crying of children. It is not that they are weak and that is why we do not want them to cry, it is that we are unable to hear their sufferings, to tolerate their frustrations and problems. Doesn't it bother us when adults cry? Most of us don't know how to act, what to do, how to comfort them. In fact, most of us are so useless, that we often don't even try to do it. In any case, to achieve this, we try to make the problem small, as we have commented days ago with abortions: "you are young", "you are in time to have more", "it happens to everyone", "better now than later". All phrases that try to convince the woman that she has no real reason to cry so much or suffer a lot, because her problem is much less than she thinks. It's not that it is, it's that we want it to be. We want it to be small, we want your smile back, we want you to stop complaining.
With children we do the same. If they fall and hurt, we tell them that "it was nothing." If they cry for something small for us, we tell them that "you are putting on a drama for nonsense." Everything is based on avoiding the suffering of others because we are so little thing that we are not even able to deal with those outside situations.
That's why I I let my children cry and tell me that way, or how they feel, that they are wrong, and if I have a bad time with it, it annoys me. I am the weak one. I am the one who has to learn to control himself and the one who has to start understanding emotions. Are not children's problems small? Not for them. They may seem silly to me, but not to them. The worst moments I remember from childhood are absolute bullshit compared to the problems I may have now, but I remember that for me, by then, they were important, I remember the pain I felt for not being able to solve them then and I remember the pain of adult misunderstanding. "Why don't you listen to me? Why don't you understand me?"
And this is what a woman feels when she has an abortion, or someone who loses her partner, or who loses her job or who loses ... and who suffers. Incomprehension towards others. Incomprehension towards those who do not understand him. But they don't say anything either, because we are all used to not showing negative feelings, and so it goes.
Such feeling and emotion is joy and laughter as sadness and crying, and this is what we must convey: "cry son, if the body asks you. Come, I hug you, and if you want, tell me what you It may not have the solution to your problem, but I'm going to listen to you, always, because only listening to you, only that you know that I care what happens to you, whether good or bad, will make you feel that you have my support I'll be there, by your side, whenever you need me. "
We are not always going to have the solution, maybe even they will be able to find it before us, but in the end it doesn't matter. The important thing in the end is not the problem and how it is solved, but to be able to express what you feel and for someone to consider it valid, for someone to understand why you feel this way and to listen to you.
The best friends are not the ones with all the answers, but those who know how to listen to you, even when they don't respond.
Photos | iStock
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