"Ask that child for forgiveness," "Tell the grandmother that she has been unwittingly."... Often parents insist (a lot) so that our children apologize for their actions (we insist and sometimes we almost oblige, right?). And we, do you We apologize to them when we are wrong? Today it seems that it still costs us, and in many cases it makes us feel uncomfortable. But apologize to a son, recognize our mistakes, has huge advantages and is a valuable learning for them.
Won't they lose my respect if I admit to being wrong? The fear of impoverishing or deteriorating the image that our children have of us may be one of the reasons why we find it hard to apologize to them.
Let's take a minute to think about what image we want to convey to the kids: do we want them to assume that perfection exists? That there are ideal people who never make mistakes? This model not only does not guarantee their respect and admiration, but can also harm them in the short, medium and long term, for example through excessive perfectionism. "If my parents are not wrong, I can't go wrong, never." Be careful with this.
If we do not assume that we make mistakes and apologize we are sending several messages to our son:
- Making mistakes is bad, and it makes you a worse person, less valuable
- Even if we are wrong, we must not recognize or show it
- If you apologize you are weak and lose "status"
- My parents ask me to do something that they don't do
Children have to learn that people make mistakes, and that nothing happens for that reason, on the contrary: a mistake is an opportunity for learning and growth. And to assimilate this concept, we need to start by setting an example, don't you think?
What do we teach our son when we assume a mistake and apologize?
- We all make mistakes, everyone.
- Assuming mistakes and apologizing costs, and each person needs a different time to process it, but after that time facing it is possible, and it is the best.
- Wrong, recognize it and restore the error it's something positive, which makes the person better because it leads to growth and enrichment of their own and others.
- Asking forgiveness makes us and the person we apologize to feel better: it improves interpersonal relationships.
When to apologize?
For this there are no exact rules, obviously, but in general it is appropriate to apologize when we perform an action or a behavior that we are not proud of, that we do not want to transmit to our children and that in turn we do not want them to learn, imitate or perform, now or in the future.
How can we ask our son for forgiveness?
Let's normalize both making mistakes and apologizing: It is not necessary that we make a big mistake to highlight it before the little one, throughout the day surely some situation arises in which we get confused and we are wrong.
Make a description of what happened as a summary: It is convenient that when we ask for forgiveness we make it clear to the children why we are apologizing, so that they understand the relationship between action and reaction, between error and apology. Look, you were screaming and Mom needed you to listen to her and I got angry and talked to you in a way that isn't appropriate, right? Sorry honey.
Do not throw balls out, assume your responsibility. When assuming an error we tend to outsource the responsibility or justify ourselves (this we see in a daily consultation): "I did it because I was tired", "this morning this thing happened and I was already nervous" ... We start this type of mechanisms because they help us to feel less responsible for the failure, but the reality is that we are, right? And if that is what we want to convey to our son, let's start by assuming it ourselves.
Propose solutions to repair your error: I'm sorry I forgot to bring you the notebook I promised you, did you need it by tomorrow? Do you think if we try to get to the store before they close? Or if we can't look around the house to see if we find something that works for you and tomorrow I buy it ...
Establish a plan for future occasions: Next time, to avoid getting lost, what we can do is write it down in a post-it on the house door, do you think?
Openly ask your child Yes, after this (description, explanation, apology, solution and future plan) forgives you. So you forgive me? It may not be (because he is small and has not understood, because he is still angry ...). Let us then openly ask what we can do to forgive us. In this way we show you that we assume the error and that we understand your discomfort. Eye: it is not about compensating (or overcompensating), we talk about terms and actions within reason, adjusted to the “mistake made”.
Highlight the positive of asking for forgiveness. Thank you very much for forgiving me, honey. You are better? I feel better now. Do we hug each other? In this way we emphasize the positive aspects at the emotional level of forgiveness (both asking and granting it).
If we want our children not to be frustrated because they are not perfect, that they are empathic and able to learn from their mistakes, let's start by setting an example: let us apologize when appropriate, for the emotional good of all.
Photos: Pixabay.com
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