A few days ago the controversy broke out following a publication on Reddit: a user, under the pseudonym of "Dislikemythird," said not wanting your third child at all and even wish to go back and to have aborted During pregnancy. What makes a mother reject her son like that? I tell you some factors that can lead to the mother's relationship with the child is not established.
Although there are more and more voices that reveal this reality, it is still a taboo subject (the user who published this story has dropped her profile and deleted everything written).
But the point is that there are few cases. No, if this happens to you, you should know that you are not alone, you are not the only one. Of course, take the reins as soon as possible because neither you nor your little one deserve to have a bad time.
What can make a mother not establish an emotional bond with her child?
An unplanned pregnancy
Sometimes the fact that pregnancy (and therefore the baby) has not "been sought" makes mental adaptation to the new situation cost much more. Preparing to be a mother needs some time, and if the news comes suddenly we may not be caught in the best way.
A pregnancy, the arrival of a child, changes our life, radically also, both personally, as a couple and at work. If maternity has not been planned, we will experience these changes in a negative way, ignoring the positive aspects of the new situation.
If we did not have in mind being mothers and suddenly we know that we are going to be we will live as a loss and a waiver Everything we are going to have to change before the baby arrives. And that "mourning" can make those negative emotions turn over the little one.
Postpartum depression
The appearance of postpartum depression is perhaps one of the most obvious and studied reasons that affect the creation of the bond between a mother and her child.
Hormones, changing roles, tiredness ... there are many negative extras that postpartum depression can add to the life of a recent mother. In addition to the sadness, the feeling of guilt or the feeling of inability to take care of the baby, one of the consequences that it can have is precisely difficulties in establishing attachment.
Cognitive behavioral therapy, support groups or even, if necessary, the use of psychotropic drugs can help us overcome this situation. If you have the slightest doubt about it, do not hesitate to go to a professional to advise you.
Expectations and goals
How we think motherhood is going to be, what things we think we are going to have to face or what aspects we have not considered and suddenly explode before us, will undoubtedly modulate our experience. The idea that motherhood is a path of roses, that they have sold us, only contributes to emotional discomfort. Because no, motherhood is not simple, it is hard, tired ... and if we do not know, if we do not allow ourselves to feel bad for a while (experience negative emotions) and we set the bar too high we will have a bad time.
Within that model of "ideal" motherhood that has been sold to us is also how (and I would dare to say that even "how much") we should love our baby, already from the mother's womb. When we don't feel what we are supposed to feel, worry appears, guilt. The problem is that concern in turn it makes us feel worse and increases the emotion of rejection towards our little one.
On the other hand are the goals: what I wanted from my life, what professional or personal achievements I wanted to reach at a certain age, etc.. Sometimes there is a clash between those goals and motherhood, a shock that if we do not manage well can cause us to derive frustration towards our son. We turn the little one (who is obviously not responsible) into the scapegoat. Now think: is my son really to blame for what happens to me? What can I do to reorganize my life and rethink my goals?
You are a mother, but you were also a daughter
The influence of how we were educated, how we were raised, is there. I do not say with this that, as some currents assert (and allow me the exaggeration) "everything is the fault of the parents", beware. But the truth is that the way we were raised, the attachment we had, no doubt left a mark on our way of being, in the behaviors we learned, in the values we internalized.
This mark will not inevitably mark our future, but Yes, you can modulate it. So that you understand to me those who are already mothers: has it never happened to you to scold your son and realize that you are repeating word for word what your mother was telling you? That's what I mean.
Cases of abuse, neglect, neglect or distant and rigid parental styles can make you, now, repeat those patterns. Think about how they raised you, how they showed you affection (did they show it to you?), Were they demanding, affectionate, permissive ...? Now question everything, quarantine it and Look for the way you want to be a mother.
Loneliness, lack of support or help
Motherhood, as I said, is overwhelming, and no, there are no superwomen. To take care of a child, to raise him happy, we need to be well on a personal and emotional level, and that happens by starting to take care of ourselves, by assuming that we cannot do everything (nor should we pretend), to accept that we need help and know how to ask for it.
The feeling of loneliness and (real) absence of help correlates with higher rates of postpartum depression, anxiety, etc. so we are going to ask for it, to whom it is necessary, in the way in which it is possible.
Seek professional help. If you do not feel able to take care of your child, please go to a specialist to advise you and help you manage the situation.
Photos: Pixabay.com
In Babies and More: Self-esteem for recent mothers
