The idea of introduce someone new to the lives of our children It may give some vertigo, but if we are clear that our relationship is moving forward, it is better for our children and our new partner to establish a good relationship, both for the children and for us. But, How do we tell him What can we do to live this moment in the best possible way?
After a divorce or a break you have, as an adult, all the right in the world to enjoy your sexuality and your time, meet new partners, live! But what about the children? One of the doubts we hear most often in divorced people revolves precisely around this issue: When and how do I tell my children?
The first thing I can tell you is that calm: You are not doing anything wrong or you will traumatize your children forever if you introduce your new partner. Contrary to what you may believe this, well done, can be positive for them.
All parents want our children to have good self-esteem, to be loved and respected, to be happy, right? Well maybe a grain of sand that we can provide for this is our example: You are an adult who has the right to be happy, to love and to be loved, don't you think?
Of course, it is important that we do a expectation adjustment what we have about it: that we think that this new person is a wonder and that he is sure to get along with our children does not mean that they will accept the first ... or the second. Patience, calm and love.
But when is the time?
For this there is no single and infallible recipe (hopefully, right?), But there are a number of factors that we can take into account when making the decision to tell our children or not:
How long has it been since the divorce? There is no standard time to ensure that children are ready to receive someone new. What can serve as an indicator is their mood, how recovered we see them, animated, adapted to the new situation. The calmer and the better they are, the better.
The age of the children: obviously, each age has its own peculiarities, the little ones may have established a more possessive relationship with us and it may cost them a bit to "share mom or dad", teenagers may perceive the new relationship as an intrusion ... But this is not a norm, Each child and each case has its own peculiarities: observe your child to determine if he is prepared.
How the divorce happened: Was it peaceful or complicated? Did it last long? Maybe if the thing was not as good as we would have liked, it is convenient to give the children some time to recover and adapt to the new situation before introducing a new element “in the photo”.
How serious is our relationship? It is clear that one is free to walk with whomever he desires, more would be missing, but if we are considering introducing that person to our children, we must take a moment to think if the relationship really seems to last in time or if it is something temporary. If we are facing the second case, let's reflect, is it worth introducing someone new into the life of the kids if it will soon disappear? It may happen that children establish emotional bonds that will then have to break ...
In spite of all these factors, in the case of teenagers we can find ourselves, as Kristin Hadfield indicates in her research in this regard, that if we take a long time to tell her they will live it as a hoax, as if during the time of relationship in which we have not told you anything we would have been lying to you.
In any case, a guarantee that the situation does not lead to difficulties is to have a Good communication with our children: If we can talk to them, if they know they can talk to us, we will move in a field where it will be easy to establish whether or not it is time to introduce them to our new partner.
Moreover, before we had a partner, we could be honest with them, for example by telling them when we are ready to start dating other people: that way things will not catch you so much by surprise.
How do I tell him?
Before arriving with your partner, talk to them alone: Tell him that you have a new relationship that makes you happy, a person who is great and that you want them to know so you can share time together.
Ask them for their opinion: How about all this? There is nothing better than asking to clear doubts and know how another person feels, no matter if he is 5 or 55 years old.
Do not make enclosures: They must know and know what day they will meet that person.
Anticipate their imagination, tell them everything that can generate anxiety or uncertainty: everything that children do not know usually fill it with their imagination, and sometimes this is too much and creates scenarios that end up causing discomfort for children. Tell them everything you think may generate doubts or discomfort: Will you still love me? Is that person going to be my dad? Will you live with us? These are some of the most frequently asked questions.
Facing a situation gives a bit of vertigo, yes, but children have something wonderful, and that is that they are much more understanding and flexible than us, grown ups. Give yourself time, give them time, talk to them and you'll see that it wasn't as terrible as you thought. Cheer up with it.
Photos | Follow me the roll (film); Pixabay.com
In Babies and more: Yours, mine, our (but without messes): Guide of reconstituted families, We divorce: how and when we tell the children according to their age
