The news of the arrival of a new member to the family is undoubtedly a reason for joy for everyone, but sometimes that joy is somewhat eclipsed by a feeling that no mother is alien to us: guilt.
If having only one child, we already feel guilty for a thousand things (for working, for wanting to have some time alone, for not spending enough time ...) with the second child the fault is coming up and shows us new facets. Knowing the reasons and questioning our fears are the keys to get rid of it.
Where does that guilt come from?
The guilt that appears with the arrival of the second child has more to do with the expectations and preconceived ideas that we have to with reality itself.
Yes, guilt is more related to what we project, with our fears, than with objective data. We feel guilty with the "just in case ...", in case the elder feels bad, in case we will not be able to love the second as the first, in case ...
The problem of "in case" is that they are not made, they are anticipations, they are future fears that we buy and take for good and make us feel bad today. But, I ask, to start questioning that guilt: does it make sense to feel bad about something that has not yet taken place and that in fact we do not know if it will happen?
To the effect of these fears it is added that the only experience as mothers we have is what we have lived with our first child, with it we established routines and dynamics and based on that we built what we understand today by motherhood: what is done, how it is done and how much is done.
That is our model, that is our reference of the right thing, and then we start to think that with the second one we will not be able to do it the same (even if it is just for the sake of spending time with two instead of one) and that we It makes you feel bad. Question for reflection: what happens when we cannot do things as we think we should do them? There you have it.
Obviously it will not be the same with the second as with the first, but the problem is that instead of seeing the difference as something positive, or at least neutral, we give it a negative look, a burden with which it is difficult not to feel evil.
Why do we usually feel guilty when we are going to have the second child?
What if I don't love him like the older one? The first birth is usually an intense, very intense experience, which is usually translated into a feeling also powerful. Such is the magnitude that it is difficult not to question whether we will be able to feel a love of such caliber for a small one.
Blame it because we are going to change the life of the elder. “With how calm it is” or "With how good we are" These are some of the most frequent thoughts that appear and that obviously make us feel guilty. After that idea is to think that the arrival of a brother will subtract him instead of adding our oldest son: he will lose part of our attention, he will lose space ... And yes, it is true, life will change him , but ... why do we think it will be for the worse? I add that the (insistent) comments that everyone usually gives us (without having asked in most cases) about the expectation that the elder is jealous, how bad it is, etc. They don't help at all. Stop comments, don't buy them.
Blame for not having so much time for the elder.So far it has been the only, so far our time was for him, until now ... What are we going to do now? How are we going to manage our time? Will you notice the change? Will it affect you?
Blame for not having so much time for the little one. Yes, time is something that can make us feel bad in both directions, towards the older and the younger. With the eldest all my time was for him, but now I have two, isn't that unfair to the little one? These kinds of thoughts are the ones we crush, right?
Blame it because with the first everything seemed more special. Yes, the first child is the first ... for everything, and that obviously implies discovery, novelty in behaviors, emotions and roles, which makes us live it in a very intense way. The first times they mark, the first times they are always remembered. How will it be then with the second? Sure it's not that intense We think, and we feel bad about not feeling as good as the first one, because we don't think there can be so much magic, because we don't think it can be so intense emotionally and it doesn't seem fair to the new family member.
Blame off
How can we get rid of guilt? Restructuring each of the fears that make it strong, putting a reality counterweight that blurs the cloudy. I invite you to reflect on your thoughts, fears and beliefs. To start I leave some suggestions:
Will your oldest child change your life? Yes, but as I said before, is it necessarily going to be bad? The role of older brother does not have to be associated with jealousy, loss, not only does not have to be negative but can bring benefits to your child as a greater self-esteem (takes care of care, "is the oldest", there is things you can do that the little one does not ...).
Will I love the little one as much as the older one? Love is not something rigid, we don't have an amount of love to give, it has no limits. Love is flexible and wonderfully expandable. I ask: do you love your partner? I imagine so. And ... do you love your family, friends, etc.? I imagine so too. Did you run out of love then because you already distributed everything? No, you had a son and there was more love to give, right? Well, calm down then, because now your second child will arrive and you will love him, enormously in addition. Even if it is a topic, it does not cease to be true: love for children does not divide, it multiplies.
What if it is not as intense and special as with the first? Yes, with the first one it was all new, all first times, all intensity, but ... are you not going to live first with your second child? Of course, his first times! In addition, with the second comes something we do not have with the first: experience, and that gives a peace of mind that will allow you to face this second motherhood more calmly.
Guilt is useless. Guilt only incapacitates us, makes us feel bad and prevents us from enjoying. Think about where your feeling of guilt comes from, question those ideas, look for rational and real answers and above all give yourself time, give your child time, give your family time: Now you are going to be four ... and you are going to be happy.
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