Yesterday we shared the testimony of three wonderful women who, due to various circumstances of life, and each with their own reasons, face maternity alone.
Today we continue with the second part of the interview, in which Montse, Rosa and Elena tell us how do your children understand and their environment, the family model they have, and what difficulties they have had to face in this time.
Recall that Montse is the mother of a boy named Lucas of almost 4 years; Elena, had her little Alejandro ten months ago through artificial insemination with donor semen, and Rosa is the mother of two girls, Alba, 15, and Luna, 10, who had artificial insemination with donor semen and adoption, respectively.
Grow up without the father figure
Alejandro, Elena's son, is still too young to understand the model of a single-parent family in which he lives. On the contrary, Rosa and Montse agree that their children are fully aware, and that the fact Growing up without the father figure is normal and natural for them.
"My son knows he doesn't have a dad, but he has never asked me about it. Despite his young age, he understands that there are various family models, and even when he plays with his dolls he expresses it, because some have two parents, others only a mother, others a father and a mother ... It is something he has assumed and understand with absolute naturalness "- Montse account.
"But I recognize that my biggest fear is to face the day Lucas asks me who his father is or where it is, because I can tell you little unless he abandoned us while I was pregnant. Even so, I keep a photograph of the first moments of pregnancy in which it seemed that everything was going to be fine and we were going to become a family, so that you can see how your father is physically "
Rosa tells me that despite the absence of a father figure in the life of her daughters, Alba and Luna, there are many other male figures In their environment they supplement that role:
"They have grown up with this truth and have normalized it, knowing that Family and educational quality does not depend on the number of parents, but how are the parents or how they feel. They have never expressed any concern because, in addition, there are many male figures in their environment: their grandfather, their great uncle, my brothers, my friends ... "
Alba and Luna, Rosa's daughters "My daughters are happy girls, with their frustrations and confusions, like any other girl of their age. They have never asked for a father figure because I have told them clearly about our family model since babies," Rosa explains.Being a single mother in society
Montse explains to me that except for family and friends, all the people around him are unaware of their history and she thinks she is a divorced mother.
"Nobody dares to ask me directly about Lucas's father, although if they do I have no problem telling what happened. If, on the contrary, they ask me in an indirect way, the truth is that I don't go into giving details " - confess
When I ask if Lucas has ever had to face an unpleasant situation in school, he explains that the vast majority of children aged three or four do not understand that he has no father, and although his son expresses it in a very direct way, some classmates insist on saying that "that is impossible".
"I understand that it can be difficult for a young child to understand the model of a single-parent family in which Lucas lives, as most grow up in a traditional family""One day he came home saying that a friend from school had told him that we all had a father, and that he also had to have it. To my son, the words of his partner did not make him doubt but rather the opposite: he did not understand how that child could not understand that he did not have a father "
"Lucas is fully aware that he has no dad" But without any doubt, the worst moment lived by Montse to date it took place in the playroom where his son attended before entering school, and was starred by adults which, it is assumed, should motivate greater respect and empathy towards any family model.
Montse tells me, with a certain tone of sadness still in his voice when he remembers it, that the children were going to prepare a craft for Father's Day when One of the monitors expressed doubts about how to proceed with Lucas:
"He told me in a very unpleasant tone that I didn't know what to do with Lucas, because as he had no father, he could not do the same craft as the rest of his classmates. I told her that that shouldn't be a problem, and that I wanted my son to do exactly the same as the rest of the class friends, which she kept insisting that was impossible because my son didn't have a dad "
"Despite asking the monitor, strongly, not to change the craftsmanship of Lucas, my son ended up doing a detail for Father's Day that read" Happy Day, Grandfather. "I remember that day I cried for hours because for the first time I felt a huge disrespect for my personal situation, and an absolute lack of empathy for my son and me. "
Elena explains in her blog how at some point during her pregnancy she had to listen somewhat unfortunate comments or questions, although luckily, and as he explains, it is normal for people to dedicate words of encouragement.
"The lightest thing they have told me is that my son was not going to grow up in a good family. There were those who also told me:" With how beautiful and smart you are! How have you not found a partner to be a mother? "People are sometimes most impertinent but luckily, most of the comments, messages and words I receive are of encouragement, strength and courage."
"What's wrong with wanting to be a single mother?" Elena asks in a blog post. Rosa, on the other hand, tells me that she has been very lucky and has never encountered an unfortunate comment or She has had an unpleasant experience related to being a single mother.
"At the beginning, when my daughter Alba was born, what most caught my attention was that people told me she was very brave. I wondered, brave, why? Why have a child? Then the vast majority of women who had a child would be as brave as me ... "- Rosa remembers
"I eventually understood. They were right. I was brave and I am brave. But I am because I have been able to have a desire, to have a dream and fight for it, strive to achieve it, regardless of what others think, because as the song says, what others think is others "- sentence.
Help other single mothers
Both Elena and Rosa are dedicated to helping other women who, like them, seek to become mothers alone.
Elena decided to create a blog called Single Mother, in which not only share your experiences and reflections like mom, but offers advice based on their experience, on fertility treatments, egg conservation or any other questions that may arise for women on their way to maternity alone.
"I know many women who spend years in fertility processes and spend all their savings on being able to be mothers. My intention is publicize that they can do it through Social Security in many autonomous communities. Luckily, the current government allows us to do it and be able to do it with less economic resources, although it is true that through private fertility clinics, the process is much faster "- explains Elena.
"I don't want to hide behind a screen. I want to make myself known and be able to help future moms who try to be," Elena begins by saying in her blog, Single Mom. Rosa has also wanted to help other people I share your experience through the Masola website. In it, we can find information on assisted reproduction techniques, different family models or testimonies of other mothers.
"My website was a great personal satisfaction. I started with her to connect with other mothers with my same casuistry, and as a way to keep my mind occupied while adopting Luna. And she began to give me great emotional satisfaction. Girls who thanks to the web or workshops and talks have been mothers "- explains Rosa.
But besides the web, this mom He has written three children's stories to explain to children, their origin.
"Cloe wants to be a mom" and "Lucia and the family's magic chest"There are two stories addressed to the children of single mothers through assisted reproduction techniques with donor semen
"Nora and Zoe, two moms for a baby," is aimed at children with two moms.
For his part, Montse wants to throw an advice to all those women who, suddenly, are in the same situation in which she found herself: abandoned by her partner, and with the challenge of raising a baby alone.
"To all those great women I would say not to forget that they are strong, beautiful, intelligent and very capable of raising their children alone. If one day they want they can find love again, although it is important that they know they do not need anyone to raise their children "
A similar reflection makes Rosa on her website, when she says:
"Being a mother without a partner has the advantage that relationships are seen from another much quieter prism, because the biological clock no longer lurks, and love stories are, even if possible, even better.""There is no reason to give up on love, nor on oneself. Nor does anything happen if it does not come. We have extolled life as a couple, life with children, sexual relations and everything that emotionally subordinated us to man in that patriarchal and paternalistic society. "
Acknowledgments | Montse, Rosa and Elena
