Parents fear at sibling fights, is something that we had a bad time (they are our children and we would like them to get along ... all the time to be able to be) and that generates many doubts about how to act. But this conflict between siblings is common and in fact has even its positive side. We tell you how and when to intervene in a fight between brothers to be something constructive and not destructive.
Conflicts, quarrels and disputes between brothers are the most common. Let us start from the basis that they are children who are in full formation of their identity, learning from the world and from themselves... and therefore, among other things, to regulate and understand their needs and those of others.
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The truth is that for many parents the confrontation between siblings is something really unpleasant, something that worries a lot, that's why it is important that, to start, let's eliminate fears about it:
- That they fight (without crossing certain limits that I will explain a little below) is not a symptom of not wanting to.
- That they fight is not a sign that they have a bad relationship.
- That they fight now, being children, will not inevitably cause them to have a bad relationship in the future.
With a little help our children will learn to live and share, to love each other and take care of themselves. And well, some time another will get hooked, but without further consequences. So quiet, daddies.
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“Sibling fights” suppose a good learning context for them:
- A scenario to try on (and learn) negotiation and problem solving strategies, which is something that sounds very adult but that children need to develop from a young age ... because they are in the world with other people with whom they will have to interact.
- A laboratory for own and other people's emotions: anger, jealousy, frustration ...
- And also a space in which to learn and understand that others have needs (and the right to express them), a context in which to test and improve their empathy.
- To share, to take care of his brother, to worry about his condition, to make pineapple.
Should we intervene in a fight between brothers?
I said before that we should not intervene in a dispute, but it is important to put some context in this statement, because not intervening does not mean not being, and because there will be times when we do have to participate.
If you detect that your children have started a “fight” stay on the sidelines but listen at all times how the scene takes place to control that certain limits are not passed, limits that I explain immediately.
If you let them, if you don't enter by placing order, you are allowing be they who look for solutions to the conflict that has detonated. They may not seem to find it, but children are wonderfully flexible cognitively and on numerous occasions they will.
Our non-intervention (with supervision, of course) means that they are the ones who seek among their repertoire of tools, techniques and resources to get out of the quagmire as gracefully as possible. And the practice of these skills is very important for them to crystallize and can lead them to adulthood.
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Although, as I said, in principle it is convenient to let them try to manage the situation for themselves, the truth is that there are certain times when it is convenient for us to enter the scene. For example:
When words become physical. If there are insults or disrespect. When there are screams.
And as for how, something that parents usually do when trying to settle discussions between siblings is trying to find out what happened, who started, who provoked before ... but this is not a court, right?
What we surely do with the best of intentions is not always the most advisable when we have passed those red areas and the children are quite disturbed, because:
- If the conflict has already reached a complicated point they have no capacity to isolate your emotions and pay rational attention. To look for “the reason”, to try to reason in full brightness is to ask them too much.
- The truth. What is the truth? Determining it is complicated cold, and even more hot, especially for them who, I remind you, are in development.
- Because by showing our reasoning they may feel attacked, not understood
- And because it means entering into their discussion, in their “game” (I put it in quotes because it is an expression, I am not saying that it is something trivial): instead of calming we can become part of the discussion.
What to do about a sibling fight that has been complicated?
The first thing is to try to keep calm. This type of situation usually makes us quite nervous, and if we are wrong we will contribute to them being more agitated. In order to look for the opposite effect, we must try to address the situation in the quietest way possible.
For this, it may be helpful to remember that there is no evil, that it is something of age, of development, and that they need your help to learn how to manage it.
Since children are nervous, it’s interesting that we try separate them physically. Eye, it's not a punishment, it's not a time out.
The objective of putting a little distance between them is to prevent them from continuing to add wood to the fire and / or that there is a risk of damage. At the same time, we encourage the thing to calm down a bit.
When they are calmer we talk about what happened. It is important whenever we adapt the language to the age of the children, of course.
To both of us, in turns if you want, we ask:
- What do you think has happened.
- How they felt
- How they think the other one has felt.
We validate your emotions: "Surely you are both upset and have had a hard time". With the questions before and this is very possible that they feel heard, attended, and therefore more comforted. This can also reinforce calm and willingness to seek solutions.
And now we both ask them what they can think of so that the two, who have had a regular time, are better, always from the calm.
All solutions they can think of we choose one among all and put it into practice, with the condition of checking in a little while if both are happy with that exit. If so, great. If not, we choose another one from the list and we are testing.
These steps are the same as those we explain to adults when we address negotiation skills. Children, once they are calmer (or if they are calm at the entrance), can start up perfectly.
The best? That we not only solve the current conflict, but we are giving them tools for the future. This is getting something good out of a negative situation, right? Well, let's go calmly, daddies. Cheer up!
Photos: Pexels.com
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