Yesterday was the Father's day in Spain and in addition to being congratulated by our children and wives we were congratulated both in Babies and more and in many of the blogs of moms that flood the network. Parents are all of us who have children and there are many types and styles: some more committed, others less. Some more affectionate, others less. Some more patients, others less. Some more serious, others more smiling or joking. Some more experienced and other first timers. Some like that and others handle…
Taking advantage of the recent celebration I found it interesting to be able to offer you the 12 tips that as a father I would give to other parents. Maybe they interest and maybe not. As I always say (and within a few lines you will check), the tips are free and everyone is free to follow them or not.
It is the advice of a father (I) with five years of experience (the ones my oldest son has) who one day decided to strive to raise and educate his children in the way he considered best, despite not always being liked by The majority of society. I do not say that my way of doing it is good. I do not say that my truth is THE TRUTH. I simply offer it to you, the one that I believe in and with which "I have married." It is the jacket that I have decided to wear and the only thing I try now is to show what my jacket looks like to those who look at me and tell me: "Go on, this jacket I had never seen ...".
You could say they are the 12 tips that I, as a father, would have wanted to hear 5 years ago. I leave you with them:
Do not look back, but forward
You don't have to raise your child the same way you were raised (or yes). Look back just to find out what made you feel good and what made you feel bad, when you thought your father was the best in the world and when you felt terribly humiliated.
I know it hurts to try to mentally relive situations that have already healed (or that you think they have done), but sometimes it is worth opening the wounds a little to look inside, know them and avoid doing them again to your children. The easiest way for everyone is to replicate the parenting style they received. If in your childhood there were hard times that you would prefer not to have lived, if you got tired of hearing the “it is for your good” and if one day you told yourself or thought that “no, when I am a father I will not be like you”, break the chain , end that inheritance and open a new path looking forward.
The tips are just that, tips
Following them is an option and normally the best is the one that makes you feel good. When the head tells you one thing and the heart another, it is usually more successful to follow the second. At least, wrong or not, you will have been consistent with your beliefs and your feelings.
Learn to wait
If you still feel that life can offer you a lot, learn to postpone things. The first years of a child's life only happen once, however you will have time to do everything you want when they grow up.
Put yourself in your child's place
Be empathetic, always try to understand your child and Always try to put yourself in his skin to know what he feels and why he does things. Once you realize that crying has a real motivation and that it really needs you, you will realize that you have a lot to offer.
Prove that you are the adult
By this I do not mean that you have to demand blind obedience, or teach them who is in charge, or anything like that. What I try to convey is that in a relationship between parents and children there are many times when conflicts appear and in many cases our children “burst”, either in tears, either in anger, either violently or either an accumulation of all this.
We are the adults, we are the ones who have, in this relationship, more capacity for understanding, more communication skills and more experience. We must use all this to try to find a solution according to our capabilities. When we do not take advantage of them and we put ourselves at the level of the children we end up acting in the same way, with rage, in a violent way and trying to settle the issues without negotiating, without dialogue and therefore without providing learning to the children.
Do not become the protagonist
Children usually choose a single caregiver when they are babies and children and when things go wrong they will always go to him. This primary caregiver is usually the mother. You should not compete with the mother so that the child loves you the same You don't even have to compete with the baby so that the mother still loves you. Just let things flow. If you understand that your position is initially in the background you can approach your baby while he is with mom and he will make you the case you deserve. Gradually, as you grow and start sharing moments with you, there will be days when you can't take it off from you.
Enjoy the moment
“Enjoy your children now, they grow very fast” is a very certain phrase that only those who have already lost their children's childhood usually verbalize. They will only take the first step once, they will only say “dad” for the first time once, they will only make their first drawing once, they will only enter the school for the first time once and on days like that you can be very important. For example, I have a party whenever they have a special party at school and whenever it is the birthday of one of my children. In a few years I won't need to do it, but now I want to be there.
The longer, the better
Continuing with this maxim, To take advantage of children's childhood you must spend a lot of time with them. More time, more contact, more relationship and more union. When there is trust in a relationship, everything flows more easily and conflicts are better resolved. Time is, for children, gold and a perfect way to tell them that they are important to you.
Learn from them
Many adults believe that in a parent-child relationship the one who learns is always the child. That's not true. Children have a lot to teach parents, because Parents are big children who have forgotten too many things.
Children are all feelings, they are the purest truth, innocence, integrity and the essence of the human being. Every time a child is born, his parents have the opportunity to reconnect with all that they have lost over time and how well we all would do.
Look for alternatives to cheek and punishment
People don't just believe me when I tell them that I have never hit or punished my 5-year-old son (and they do not believe me because in the absence of corrections the logical thing for them would be that it was an indomitable fair, and it is not). Yes it is true that on some occasion I have taken it, lost patience, with more force than I would have liked, but not as an educational method, but as a result of the emotional explosion. Then I have lost forgiveness for my mistake and tried to bring positions.
Dialogue is a very good tool to avoid punishments and cheeks and the time you spend with your child too. The dialogue should be aimed at showing the consequences of their actions and why you don't like what they have done ("I don't like you hitting the children, because you hurt them and they cry. They don't like them either and that's why they won't want to play more with you. You would not like anyone to hit you "), instead of threatening (" if you hit again we will go home / you run out of drawings / today you don't play "), because in this way you take away the importance of suffering of the affected people and because you give importance to things that at that time are not (drawings, play, ...).
Become a good example
Children learn most things by observation and imitation. There is a phrase that was recorded to me the first time I read it (and that I will never forget), whose author I do not know that says: "Educate is everything we do when we are not educating", which comes to say that it is equally important what that we tell them what we do even when we think they don't see us or don't hear us.
A few days ago I could hear a 6-year-old girl say to a black boy that "you can't play because you're black." I have a hard time believing that this girl's racism comes from her own work and it is very easy for me to believe that she has simply heard adults insulting blacks at home (or in another environment).
Having a child is a great responsibility and to transmit values, responsibility and respect for others we must have values, be responsible and respect others.
Soak up patience
No matter how patient you are in your life. As much as you have on a day-to-day basis, you will need to increase the dose to raise a child. Children cry and sometimes they do even when you take care of them. Tantrums, for example, are a clear test that can determine how full our "tank" of patience is. If you always end up screaming and breaking the deck it means you need more patience.
"In bad weather, good face" is a great phrase for moments like that. Sometimes I have been surprised to see that I boil inside and that where it used to explode now I am able to retain (although there is always some bad day when the level is short, short). In any case, the important thing is to be aware of it and try to act with the intelligence that we are supposed to be as adults.
