To conclude our series of interviews for Father's Day today let's talk to the psychologist Ramón Soler, which in addition to his work as a therapist and psychologist, is well known for being director of the magazine Mente Libre, where issues of parenting and child psychology are addressed.
We have already been able to read Ramón Soler in Babies and more talking about children's emotions and he is also co-author of the book "A new fatherhood" that presents a new model of a man committed to raising his children.
How does fatherhood change life?
I believe that fatherhood (and motherhood) are a total shock in the life of every father and mother. Fatherhood and motherhood mean a leap forward that takes us out of our "comfort zone" and forces us to restructure our entire lives. Many parents intend to continue making their life as it was before having their baby, but this posture is absurd and even childish. We must assume the changes and immerse ourselves fully in fatherhood in order to take advantage of all the teachings that our children bring us.
What is the biggest change that paternity awareness makes?
In my view, the deepest change facing fatherhood is to calm our ego. When we have in our arms a defenseless creature that needs us to survive, our ego, its deficiencies, its wounds, must remain to the side to be able to properly attend to them. This does not mean that we disappear as men, but that we learn to prioritize, to share our time, to empathize with our helpless babies, with our young children, with adolescents who need our support and understanding.
Before being a father, you probably already had ideas about how this experience would be and how you would behave, but are you now the father you thought you would be?
At first, in my youth, I did not ask big questions about what it would be like when I was a father. I assumed that the right way to educate children was as I had seen in my family and that I would do the same with my children. Later, I studied psychology and they told me that the children had to be educated with guidelines, awards and punishments. But, these theories really didn't convince me, since they didn't put any emphasis on people's emotional experiences, which for me, are fundamental.
Over time and as I worked with my patients, I understood the enormous importance of growing up feeling accompanied and respected to grow healthy and emotionally balanced.
Therefore, if I compare my past with my present, I would have to say "no", that I don't look anything like the image of a father I had in mind 15 or 20 years ago.
What have your daughters taught you?
It may sound topical, but my daughters have been (and remain) great teachers to me.
We have Adriana, who is now 5 years old, and Luna, whom we lost two years ago in the sixth month of pregnancy. I would need much more space to detail everything I have learned from them, but I would like to give some example of their lessons: From Adriana I have learned that children do not need an instruction manual. There is nothing we have to do to stimulate or teach them. If we are attentive to their needs and accompany them in what they are demanding at all times, they are the ones who show us the way. We only have to be with them in an attitude of attentive and respectful listening. With Luna, her mother and I, we go through the hardest experience that parents can live, the loss of their daughter. This has also meant a great learning that helps me put myself in the shoes of all the mothers and fathers who have gone through the same thing to be able to accompany them better. And another great learning that I have done thanks to Luna is to realize how delicate the process of life is. It has made me greatly appreciate the miracle that each birth entails. Every child deserves the greatest respect and the best accompaniment in life. For all this, I am now more involved than ever in the defense of childhood, in giving voice to the suffering of children and in the denunciation of any type of child abuse.
Do you educate how they educated you?
I value certain things that I learned from my parents and that are present in my Adriana upbringing, for example, defending your children from any aggression that comes from abroad. However, there are other attitudes that I have changed over time because I have understood that they are not healthy patterns. I try to put myself much more in the children's place and understand the reasons they have for doing what they do. I try not to force my daughter to follow the path that I think is the right one. Instead, I accompany her in the motivations that arise.
Has it been painful to change or, rather, liberating?
At first, every change costs, even if we know it will be beneficial for us. We tend to keep repeating and defending attitudes that our elders had with us even if they were not adequate. An essential milestone in any process of personal evolution, which I also had to go through, is to assume that my parents were not perfect, that they were people, with their virtues, but also with their defects. This is always difficult because it involves facing and overcoming our own resistance, but when we manage to take that step and recognize the reality of our childhood, the feeling of liberation is total. Being in control of your life and not being tied to the conditions or pressures of others is something that is priceless.
There are people who see themselves without tools to change the way they act, but, tell me, can all parents grow up with fatherhood?
Of course. Both men and women can take advantage of raising their children to grow inwardly and free themselves from the drag that they drag from their own childhood. This is a process that I consider absolutely necessary if we really want to raise our children in freedom. I am aware that it is not an easy job and that, on some occasions, the help of a professional will be required to accompany us on that path, but I have explained previously that it is a worthwhile process. We will be the first beneficiaries, but we will also be allowing our children to be much freer.
How do you help fathers and mothers who want to do this personal introspection work?
Many mothers go to the consultation in the puerperium, with a baby of months or a few years. They are in full emotional connection with their interior and with their past. They are surprised having attitudes that they swore never to repeat and feel very guilty about it. They are aware that they have to change something, but they don't know how to do it. I help them work with their personal stories to understand what things affected them from their past and help them find healthier ways to deal with new situations in their present.
You also work online, right?
Recently, I started doing online therapy, through Skype or Hangout, to help people from any part of the world who are interested in the Regressive Therapy that I practice. Many people wrote to me from other countries to ask for help and I did not know anyone who could recommend them. From now on, you can already do therapy with me through the Internet. On the other hand, taking advantage of my ten years of experience in consultation, I have designed an experiential workshop in which attendees learn to understand themselves and their children. In addition, we also do guided relaxation in which we enhance the connection with our inner selves and learn to heal situations from our past. It is a workshop that I have already done in different cities and that is having a great reception.
Ramón, it has been a pleasure having you again in Babies and more. This Father's Day I would like us to talk, finally, about reconciliation from the point of view of man, is it really possible to confine for men?
The peculiarities of my work favor conciliation. When working at home, I don't waste time with commuting and when I don't have any patients, I can be with my family. In addition, all my work as a writer and disseminator I also do at home. We have never divided housework into "men's things" or "women's things." When something needs to be done (hanging clothes, preparing food or washing dishes ...), the one who is freest is at that moment. We try to have a true team consciousness, where one's work benefits everyone.
How do you and your partner organize for the care of your daughter?
Both Elena and I work at home. This has the advantages that I commented previously, but it also forces us to organize very well if we want to take advantage of the time. According to the activities we have during the day, we divide the time with our daughter.
