"Mom, I don't want you to become old lady". With this phrase, accompanied by a pouty sense, my four-year-old daughter surprised me a few days ago, and I confess that I didn't know what to say. He had never expressed this fear to me, but judging by his trembling voice and his glassy eyes, the subject of old age worried him a lot.
We have talked with Elena Frisuelos, psychotherapist, family counselor and specialist in psychosomatic psychology, about how children live and perceive old age, and what can we do to help them if they express fears or doubts about this natural process of life.
Why do some children perceive old age as something negative?
Old age is a process of life that inevitably it ends up linking to death, because by natural law those who first die are the oldest people.
Since they are small, children are aware of this association, either because they have had to live the death of a grandfather or an elderly person, or because we have used old age at some time as an excuse to explain death (for example, by telling them that "the pet died because she was very old ").
But beyond this real and logical association, the psychologist Elena Frisuelos makes us an interesting reflection, and it is the way in which we, as adults, we live old age and transmit it to our children from their earliest childhood.
"Children watch anti-wrinkle ads on TV, see us complaining about gray hair, see their grandparents complaining about their ailments, or listen to phrases like that," alas! with what I have been as a young man! "," how ugly old age is! "," who will catch your age! "..."We live in a society where, in general, old age is a handicap or is treated as something negative. Therefore, although they are not aware as such, they do hear, perceive and see certain attitudes and behaviors of ours that carry this message "
In addition, Elena asks us to reflect also on the used objects we have at home, and the treatment we give them:
"The culture of the new makes us continually replace used objects, although in many cases they continue to fulfill their function correctly. However, we consider that "they are already too old" and that they have to be replaced by that new model that has gone on the market. It happens for example with technology, clothing and footwear, decoration ... Children perceive that the old or the old is no longer of sufficient value and must be renewed "
Logically, the child does not make this reflection as such, nor do we as adults probably do it either. But nevertheless, With our actions and words we are transmitting a series of messages which makes him see old age as something negative to avoid or camouflage. Therefore, it is logical that the subject and do not want the most important people in his life (his parents) grow old.
Guidelines for talking about old age with children
The psychologist advises us that when our young child asks us about old age, or expresses fear that his parents will grow old, let's not downplay your concerns or concerns, and we approach this issue like any other that we raise.
These are his tips to talk about old age and treat the fear that some children cause:
Speak naturally
This is Elena's first recommendation: "Aging is something natural and another stage of life. And so we must pass it on to children". In addition, experts insist on the importance of caring for our language when we talk to them and adapt our words, expressions and definitions to their age and understanding.
Explain the passage of time
The conception that children have about the passage of time is not what we adults have, so it can be very difficult to explain it with words, especially if they are very small.
That is why it is advisable to rely on didactic material to explain how the years go by, and make them see that the aging process does not happen overnight. This will give them peace of mind and confidence.
Value old age and respect our elders
In some cultures, elders are people revered by all family members, for the wisdom they convey and what they represent. However, studies have also warned that prejudices, stereotypes and even discrimination against the elderly are feelings that manifest themselves at a very young age.
The fact that our children spend time with your grandparents is very beneficial for itYes, it helps them to improve their perception towards the elderly and to avoid the appearance of prejudices related to old age.
And if for any circumstance, children could not enjoy their grandparents, it is the parents' job to teach them to respect the elderly, to help them in whatever is in their hands and to make them understand the needs of this stage of life.
Value your feelings.
Grown ups sometimes we tend to belittle children's feelings, downplaying them with phrases of the style, "Nothing happens!" or "Don't worry about that nonsense." But for them it does happen, and it is important to help them express their emotions, manage them in a healthy way and make them see that we care.
Reverse the process
As in any other situation in life that we may have with our children, Elena advises us to reverse the process and show them the most positive part of the issue in question.
"It's not about lying to them, and telling them that getting old is the best thing in the world, because they probably don't see it that way because of everything we've explained before. There is no doubt that old age has a negative part that implies a wear of the body, but it also implies many positive things such as greater knowledge, greater experience, more free time ... Let us emphasize the positive without denying reality "
"Likewise, and although old age involves the wear and tear of the body, it is also important to show children the importance of taking care of it and ensuring our health throughout our lives, to face old age in the best conditions"
Let's make a personal reflection
But probably none of these tips will help our kids in their fears, if not we change our own perception and treatment of old age. As we have explained on many other occasions, children are sponges that absorb everything and we are their best models.
"Therefore, it is important to do a reflection exercise to see how we live the passage of time, how we face our own aging process, and how we treat old age of the people around us," concludes the psychologist"If we talk with our children about old age, paying attention to our way of communicating, treating the subject naturally and trying to show the positive side, but at the end of the conversation we will quickly dye gray hair, or regret a"! How old I am, how many aches I have! ", We will be giving our children a contradictory message"
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