Nine things you shouldn't do or tell a child who has just become an older brother

The other day I visited a friend who had just been a mother for the second time. With her baby everything was going perfectly, but she told me that she was very hurt by the comments he was receiving from people around him regarding his eldest son. Unfortunately, many of the things I confessed were familiar to me, and I bet they are also for a large number of parents in the same situation.

I am convinced that in most of these occasions things are said without thinking about the consequences, or even with the intention of flattering the older brother. However, it is more than likely that the effect it causes on the child is very negative.

If you are going to visit a newborn and there is another older child in the family, we recommend what things you should avoid doing or saying so that the child (and his parents) do not feel hurt.

1. Visit the newborn and ignore the older brother

When a baby arrives in the world, it is logical that family and friends wish to meet him and take pictures with him. Everyone wants to put a face on the new baby, draw similarities and hold him for a little while. But what about the older brother? Well, in many cases he is ignored and isolated, so it is easy to find him in a corner of the room by being a silent witness to a story that does not go with him.

Because, if you are going to visit a newborn, consider the feelings of the older child: Be interested in him, ask him about his tastes and hobbies and take pictures also by his side. In short, show him with facts and words that he is still just as important to you.

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2. Give the baby away and not do the same with the older brother

I consider it even more terrible than the previous fact, give something to a baby and not do the same with the older brother. Unfortunately, I have had to live this unfortunate situation on several occasions, and in all of them my soul has shrunk.

So, please, if you are going to give a gift to a newborn, think also of your older brother or brothers, because there is nothing more cruel than leave them empty-handed observing a gift that is not intended for them. In any case, it is not necessary to buy anything expensive or sophisticated; Just a ball, a story or a notebook and coloring pencils is enough to tear a smile and make them feel important.

3. Tell him that "he has to take great care of his little brother"

Before the arrival of a new baby, family and friends often strongly recommend the older brother to take care of the baby, perhaps in an attempt to give him an important role inside to the family.

But although it may seem to us that the child has grown suddenly, we must not lose sight of the fact that he is still just a child, and we cannot demand that overnight change your way of proceeding and start taking responsibility for a baby.

In this sense, it should be the parents who involve him little by little and without forcing the care of the little brother, making him feel comfortable and comfortable with the situation, in order to strengthen the fraternal bond.

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4. Ask the parents if they are jealous of the baby in the presence of the child

It is also frequent that acquaintances and strangers ask recent parents if the older brother is jealous of the baby, also doing it in the presence of the child himself. But if this were not enough, the question is usually formulated in a dramatic tone (anticipating the worst) or using euphemisms, mistakenly thinking that although the child is listening, he does not understand what we say.

Jealousy before the arrival of a brother is not bad. It is a natural feeling that sooner or later ends up emerging, because the family structure as the child knew it so far changes with the birth of the baby, and it is normal for this to produce uncertainty and insecurity.

That is why it is important to treat this issue naturally and talk to the child about his feelings with absolute transparency, without hiding from people what they feel, but without giving it more importance than it has.

5. Tell the child that "you will take your little brother to your house"

Perhaps with the aim of gaining the confidence of the older child, making him feel special or extolling a defensive reaction on his part, many people fall into the error of joking with the child making him believe that "they will take their little brother home."

What happens if the child gets scared and goes out in defense of his brother? Does it deserve more praise than that little boy who is having a bad time and encourages the stranger to take the baby home?

Definitely this joke is cruel and disconcerting for the little one, because children do not capture the farce, double meanings or irony as we adults do. Jokes should be fun for everyone, and saying this to a child at all is.

6. Praise the older brother in excess

Before the arrival of the baby there are people who react by praising the older brother in excess, who suddenly begins to hear endless calls that he probably had never heard before, such as "the most responsible", "the most good", "the most mature "," the smartest "," the best eater "," the bravest "...

And it is usual to fall into the error of believe that to make the older child feel special, praise and place in front of the baby, being able to originate tensions and rivalries between brothers, in addition to seriously diminishing their self-esteem with the imposition of labels.

7. Criticize the baby

And on the same line as the previous point are the comments aimed at ridiculing or criticizing the baby, in order to make the older brother feel important, such as: "How heavy is the baby, who only knows how to cry!", "How pig is the brother, who pees and poops on!", "How boring are the babies, who do not know how to do anything!"

But far from helping, this kind of derogatory comment could affect the fraternal bond and to the empathy that the elder generates towards his brother, so that he ends up perceiving the baby as a threat, a person without importance, or someone whose feelings and needs should not be taken into account.

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8. To downplay the feelings of the child, by the fact of being the eldest

As we have commented above, "when a baby is born, the older brother grows suddenly." But the fact that we see him physically bigger does not mean that emotionally we should treat him like an adult.

And sometimes he falls into the error of ignoring the feelings of the older child or positioning himself on the side of the baby, considering that it is the "weakest part." This happens, for example, when we downplay the elder's crying as a wake-up call, or when we force him to share his toys with his little brother.

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Remember that no matter how big we see the older child He is just a child who needs his space, his solo moments with dad and mom and his rhythms, just like he needed before the arrival of the newborn.

9. Compare the brothers

Comparisons between children (and between siblings, in particular) is something that we have deeply rooted in our culture, and that we unconsciously begin to do even before the second child is born.

But Each child is unique, different and special; however much they share genetic load or are raised within the same family. That is why it is important to treat them differently and never compare them to each other, something that only helps to reduce self-esteem and foster sibling rivalry.

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